Cell phones are the greatest invention of the 20th century, not because of their ability to directly communicate with anyone at almost anytime, but because they make it way easy to avoid Jehovah's Witness' at the bus stop.

I kind of overdid it on my birthday, so I've decided that for at least 30 days I'm not going to drink or smoke or put anything in my body that affects my mental state. So what have I been doing you ask? Mostly playing guitar hero, I think I have too many addictions.

Why is it that spiders can crawl up to the top of my celling, or the roof of my car and lay a web from one wall to another? Yet they can't seem to handle the simple task of getting themselves out of a bathtub?

I've finally figured out how Bill Keane has been making millions, he gets really high, says a random word from the dictionary over and over until it becomes another word, and then he draws a little kid saying it so that it's cute. Try it, you'll see.

I just deleted a bunch of phone numbers from my phone of people who I'm never going to talk to again, it was very therapeutic, then I deleted them from my facebook friends, now I'm trying to delete them from the internet all together, any tips?

I really want to go into a construction zone with an orange jacket and a can of spray paint and paint arrows and random internet acronyms together.
Just to see what happens.
"Well this LOL points to a support beam and this ZOMG is pointing to the gas line, I guess we'll have to blow it up and start all over."