This morning I got up, pooped, ate breakfast, showered and got dressed, and then I had to poop again. Is that weird? That's weird right?

Happy Easter, watch out for the Easter Bunny, I heard he attacked some guy at the mall.

Tonight is a dangerous night, you have go be really careful, not because of zombie jesus, he doesn't come out till tomorrow. It's because at around 9:00 pm the drain pipes are filled with more vinegar and dye than they can possibly hold, and some of them break, and when they break they release all of the giant fish and alligators in the sewer only now they're tye-dyed and drunk.

Just be careful is all I'm saying.

Remind me to put something here later.

The feeling of helplessness comes from the illusion that you ever had any control of your life in the first place.

Happy Hump Day! That's all I got, now go to bed!

I was doing dishes for about 5 minutes today before my back started hurting because our sinks are too low for me. This means I now have a legitimate medical excuse for not doing work, now if only I could find reasons to not go to my job I'd be set...maybe if I was blind?

Happy St Patrick's Day, apparently the Catholic church tried to change St. Paddy's day to Friday instead of Monday so people wouldn't drink in the middle of holy week. Did it work?

When I first moved in we kept the trash bags under the stove, this always confused me as I thought they should be under the sink and always checked there first so I moved them under the sink. Now I always check under the stove first.

My car broke down in the middle of the highway last weekend, it's been having a lot of problems lately. Part of me thinks that when you're over 25 you should no longer be driving a car that is more than 10 years older than you. Advice for life.

We had a party the other weekend and invited our neighbors. They said: "You guys are lucky you have such awesome neighbors that don't care about noise at night, our neighbors suck." I had to think about that one for a second.

My roommate is gone this weekend, I have the whole room to myself. I could do anything I wanted, I could walk around naked, but instead I'm going to bed at 10 because I have to get up tomorrow for work.

God I'm old. :(

EDIT: So I'm a dummy and totally forgot that you could embed videos instead of just pasting the link. This job is sucking out all of my creativity, my common sense, and my life.

It occurred to me today that the only reason I know how to spell Lincoln is because of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"

Everyone gets upset when they loose an hour, but then it's a good thing when you get it back, but why is it that the government is the only ones who can take something away without our permission and then give it back without interest? I think that if I give my hour a day away in the spring, then 6 months later I want an hour and 15 minutes back, that sounds fair right?

I found out this morning that drinking to forget your problems is a horrible idea, because then in the morning you have a hangover, AND problems.

I get paid every Friday, which is totally unfair, because now Friday gets to be the end of the week AND payday, nobody stopped to ask Monday about it. Monday is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, why can't Friday share the awesomeness? Greedy bastard.

I thought of a really awesome post today but I didn't write it down so I forgot it. It was hilarious and it would have made you laugh so hard milk would have come out your nose, not the milk you're drinking now, the milk you had yesterday would have wanted to be in on the joke. It would have brought in all kinds of traffic to my blog and I would have been famous within days, but I didn't write it DOWN!

H2O is a normal by-product of cellular respiration, and a human body is over 50 percent water, now I'm not saying that the wicked witch of the west was human, but she would have to have a really crazy genetic makeup for a single bucket of water to melt her completely, I don't even think she could have DNA. In "Wicked" Elphaba instinctively knows to avoid water from birth, OK I can buy that, I'll even give in to the whole "water will kill her" for the sake of this argument, but to think that a person could avoid water their entire life is ridiculous, as is the idea that an infant could squirm out of an adults arms to avoid a bath, and what did they wash her with in the book? MILK? Which is has all the same molecular attributes as water, and what about the amniotic fluid? And if she ever got thirsty what could she drink? Orange juice? no. "Mineral tea" What the hell even is that? Tea made from oil or something? that sounds disgusting. She couldn't ever eat any fruits or vegetables, or meat come to think of it, I guess she ate rocks. And what about sex, one would assume that the other person would be enjoying themselves enough to sweat, so one sexy romp in the hay and she can fit in a matchbox. All these things would have done her in long ago, and yet she continued her tyrannical reign over OZ all those years without anyone storming the castle with a super soaker, until some out of town farm girl "accidentally" throws an entire bucket of water right at her face (completely missing the scarecrow mind you) and what was that bucket doing there anyway? If I was her I would have had all the water removed from my castle as soon as I got there.

All I do at work all day is find phone numbers right now, at my current pay rate it's about $0.2285714285714 per phone number. I average about 350 a day, I could probably find more but then I wouldn't have time to do things like find out how much each phone number is worth.

Work sucked today, I ran to my car because I couldn't wait to get home and do nothing. 'Course when you think about it, I probably didn't have to rush.

"If you're us, and we're you, then what number are we thinking of right now?"

My college days are officially behind me, this morning I slept in as much as I possibly could and woke up at 7:30.

R.I.P. Kelly-kazi 2006-2008

Wouldn't it have been cool if I actually had a party nickname in college?