When I was a teenager I swear that the Whopper got smaller, my mom says it was because I was growing, but I don't think so. Now it's happened again except with Chipotle, and this time my mom can't say anything because I've stopped growing, AND because I haven't told her about it. So HA!

The other day I saw a sign that said "Women for Hillary" where are the signs that say "Black dudes for Obama?"

Today while I was hard at work I figured out that if I were to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for a whole year in my new job I would make...

Less than 20,000 a year, after taxes. Suddenly acting seems like the better career choice after all, maybe not the better major, but at this point I've already screwed myself so I may as well go the whole nine.

I started actually working today, and I must say there is one good thing about my job, it really makes me want to audition for stuff so I don't have to do it anymore.

So I got a job that I started today, I'm working for non religious pseudo-Scientologists. I'm a little apprehensive but so far it doesn't seem too bad, I haven't noticed any brainwashing so I think I'll be OK.

Although in reality Scientology has just gotten a really bad rap, they're only trying to change our world for the better, and that Tom Cruise is one stand up guy!

Sorry this post is so late today, I spent the entire day learning the words to 'Jessica' by The Allman Brothers Band. Man that song is tough!

My girlfriend went to the doctor complaining that she felt sick all the time, she was diagnosed with 'persistent nausea' to me that sounds like diagnosing the symptom with...the symptom. Hell I could be a doctor, your finger hurts after you slammed it into a door? no it's not broken, you've got 'digit pain.' Your throat closes up after you eat a strawberry? You're...allergic to strawberries, don't eat them.

I'm beginning to think that the gym I attend has a large gay population. Nothing specific just a feeling I get, and the way that everyone crowds around to watch with excited eyes when I wipe off the elliptical handles.

Is the acoustic guitar as sexy after college as it is during? Like, if I learned all of John Mayer's songs and played them badly at parties would I be as popular at 24 as that one guy at my school?

I was going to write something really, really witty here today. But I got hit in the head with an eraser and forgot, I feel like there's something funny about that but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Why is it that on every product I see "If seal is broken, product has been tampered with" it's written on the seal itself?

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! If you have a girlfriend: take her out, go someplace nice, buy her flowers, get her some chocolates, lavish her with praise and love. If you have a boyfriend: give him a BJ.

After about two weeks of living in LA I've noticed how much people like the sound of their own horn. It kind of bothers me, but then again I don't like the sound of Kanye West, so what do I know?

Every teacher and doctor I ever met who taught me about ears told me not to use Q-tips, yet I still clean my ears with the cotton tipped white paper sticks almost every morning, and I'm surely not the only one since they still sell them in repositories across the country. Why is it that doctors and teachers hate Q-tips so much? There must be some rogue Q-tip going around killing the families of doctors and teachers.

The story laid out before you is the closest representation of the truth as is humanly possible with the facts that are given, while you are reading keep in mind that this story is not for the faint of heart, it deals with the harsh reality of certain events that have transpired of which the public has been grossly misinformed, so please proceed with caution:
In early 1944 a German Geneticist named Dr. Abelerd Putzkammer, feeling the war was coming to an end and that he was on the losing side, went into hiding deep underground cutting himself off from all human contact but continuing his work. His first big breakthrough came when some fungus growing in the shelter he was in, fell into the beginning stages of a "Super human" experiment he was working on. The result was a giant brown lump with teeth, eyes, and feet, although not in that order, after some tweaking of the genetic code and trying different types of mushrooms, Dr. Putzkammer was finally able to create a poisonous, walking minion. Although its cranial structure was unstable at best and its intelligence was limited to that of a mushroom, it was still a formidable enemy that could kill a man if handled incorrectly (which was a definite possibility since it appeared completely harmless). The Doctor also began experimenting with the manipulation of fire, first infusing it into plant life and then creating self sustaining fireballs, in his notes the fire could last for hours and be attached together to form spinning chains.
Throughout the years his experiments became more and more sophisticated, and he began working on small animals with increased proficiency. His next big success came with a project titled 'Bowser Koopa' combining the names of his two childhood pets, a dog and a turtle respectively. The Doctor fabricated 8 of these creations, each one more deadly than the last, they were upwards of 6 feet tall, possessed fierce red hair, yellow spikes sticking out from all directions and the ability to spit fire, their greatest, and perhaps most deadly aspect, was an opposable thumb that allowed them to sling all manners of hammers and axes at great distances.
Some say it was the lack of human contact that drove him mad, others think it was an overdeveloped sense of duty hammered in by Nazi Germany, but my own personal opinion, and keep in mind these thoughts are mine and mine alone, is that he was driven by something else, something darker. Something that awoke in him when he stayed beneath the surface for longer than any human being is supposed to, something that can only be accessed by creating life that is not supposed to exist, something no mortal man should ever experience. It was at the height of his madness that he decided to try and contact the outside world to gain human DNA for his experiments, while the war was long over, Dr. Putzkammer went to fellow sympathizers who he had worked with in the past and got a smattering of DNA samples for his next big project, the sunlight and fresh air probably would have done him well if he wasn't already completely insane.
His mixture of different types of human DNA into his reptilian armada worked beautifully, the seven creatures were capable of speaking and understanding basic as well as sophisticated ideas, they even started to develop their own abilities and personalities. His last and arguably greatest feat was carried out in the summer of '88, the Doctor could feel his years getting the better of him and while his lab notes describe his exploration of eternal life, (something written about green spotted mushrooms) there is no evidence to support he ever achieved any success. The Doctor decided to meld his own DNA with his previously positive 'Bowser Koopa' program, but through the process something went wrong, the creature itself was described as a success in the Doctor's notes, but there seemed to be something different in the notes themselves, something missing, it was as if all the hard work and determination the Doctor had been so full of previously had disappeared and all that was left were lab readings and pure numbers. A few months after the notes took a turn, a new journal was being written apparently by the monster itself!
The new set of notes had all the fervor and tenacity of the Doctors previous pen, could it be that in exchanging DNA the Doctor was able to transfer his madness to the beast as well? The second set describes much less experimentation and a much greater thirst for power, it is apparent in the journal that at some point the seven 'children' of the Doctor banded together and tried to overthrow their new leader, an excerpt from 1994:
"June 13th,
The children have grown tireless, they bicker and fight
with me at every turn wanting more power and more
responsibility, do they not understand that I have the
ability to obliterate them at any given moment? Perhaps
that will be a necessity soon, but I fear I will need them
for the next inevitable attack of the plumber."
The plumber is an unspecified entity who, in the journal entries, is responsible for the loss of literally thousands of experiments. My own postulation is that this is a fictional character in the head of both the Doctor and the Monster created as a coping mechanism to displace anger when experiments went awry, since there has clearly been no other person in this dungeon which the beast calls his laboratory. Why the profession of a plumber was chosen is far beyond my comprehension.
The biggest shock of my reading was the entry from 1996 entitled "Finally!"
"January 15th,
At long last I have FINALLY gotten rid of those useless
scoundrels, no longer will they fight for my attention
while I have to plan, no more will I have to bother
making sure they are not meddling in my experiments.
I can now focus on facing the plumber myself as I have
intended."
Quite stirring indeed.
There appears to be another battle with the 'Plumber' before something resembling loneliness seems to kick in. I don't say loneliness as we know it because I do not believe this beast has gentle emotions such as this, it may sound harsh but if you had read the descent into madness and the thoughts of the beast as I have, you would also understand. How could any human destroy a sentient being without so much as a second thought and then celebrate afterwards? Many of the later entries are not fit for eyes such as myself but I have trudged on for the greater good of truth.
In one of the latest books found is a description of a new experiment to create yet another 'child' using the beasts own DNA.
"SUCCESS, I have achieved a form of everlasting life
through fatherhood, although the green mushrooms
continue to elude me I have passed my own genetic
code onto a son, and in that way I shall live forever."
After his success he describes an elaborate plan to test the natural talent of the creation claiming that a princess is his mother and that the 'Plumber' has taken her hostage. The young beast seemed to do quite well at first but eventually the plumber had defeated them again.
After this there seem to be infant plans for the creation of an entire galaxy, but at this point who knows where the two reside. The most relate-able aspect of this entire story is the constant struggle between good and evil. The obvious evil being the Doctor and the Beast (for they have become but one in my mind) and the continuing good of the 'Plumber' who for whatever reason has thwarted the Doctors evil plans over and over again. Perhaps the Plumber is a guardian angel of sorts, an effort made by the greater good disguised as a random chance, in which case I hope there is a plumber somewhere looking after me, God's speed Plumber, God's speed to you.

I had this horrible dream last night that it was raining and I needed my umbrella, thank GOD it was only a dream.

In Super Mario Bros. Bowser appears as the final boss (King Koopa)
In Super Mario Bros. 3 Bowser has 7 children: Larry Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Wendy O. Koopa, Iggy Koopa, Roy Koopa, Lemmy Koopa and Ludwig Von Koopa. Yet there is no sign of a post pubescent female.
In Super Mario World Bowser appears with his 7 kids faced in a different difficulty order (some of them have been practicing and some of them have been lazy, I'm talking to you Iggy).
In Super Mario 64 Bowser has no children, and the Koopa family name seems to have vanished.
In Super Mario Sunshine Bowser Jr. appears for the first time as a small confused child informed that Princess Peach is his mother.
In Super Mario Galaxy Bowser has 1 (one) child, Bowser Jr.

The facts, ladies and gentlemen, are perfectly clear; the theories however, are abundant and foggy. Where exactly did the original seven Koopa children come from? and for that matter, where did they go? Who would be willing to have sex with Bowser no less than 8 times? Why is Wendy the only female bowser? (although I have my suspicions about Roy). Why is Bowser Jr. so goldanged cute if he's supposed to be evil? These questions, and more will be repeated, and possibly answered, the next time my brain shuts down after playing Super Mario Galaxy for 4 hours straight.

I like to know how the world around me works, I know how gravity works, I know (partially) how my computer works, I know how my body works, but I realized today that I have no idea how the internet works. In my mind there must be some giant hard drive that everyone can access deep underground somewhere, because you have to upload the information right? and you can't just upload it to the ether can you? or can you? Perhaps the key part of all of this that I have been missing is that the internet is everywhere, like air, but wait a minute, then why are we paying for internet? Can't we just metaphorically inhale it? THAT'S IT! Starting now I'm calling for a revolution! No longer do you have to throw your hard earned dollars away at some corporate "air machine." Open your nostrils and breathe people! This is the beginning, this is how it will be from now on! Free internet for all!
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

My slow internet has given me a new lease on life, while I'm waiting for my next page to load, I've been doing other things around the house, such as: light cleaning, calling my mom, and constructing an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks, I think I need a job.

The internet in my new place is really slow, by the time I get on to load my homepage I will forget what it was I was going to search for, this has happened 5 times today. I fell like I'm losing good ideas, when in reality I'm probably just losing yet another way to be unproductive.

I just moved to LA to become an actor, and today I had my first gig as an audience member to a game show hosted by Patrick Duffy, at least I'm not giving blowjobs right? Although I hear the money's good.

I always try to eat my Chinese food with chopsticks to get a more "authentic eating experience" but about halfway through I get hungry and use the little plastic fork provided, I guess if I really wanted an authentic experience I wouldn't eat at Panda Express.

I went to Hooters for the first time the other day and I saw people leaving with "Hooters to go" bags. Bad food without large breasted hot girls waiting on you? Whats the point?