Why is it that hulu has really awkwardly depressing commercials during hilariously funny shows?

Last night I had a dream that I got a haircut and that I ran out of clean socks, even my subconscious is getting old and boring.

What if we invented time machines, and went back in time to find out that Jesus was really just a guy from the future, and healed the leper by giving him soap, and healed the blind guy by giving him glasses, and people only followed him around because they thought his teva sandals were really cool?
What if?

10 rules for prison

1. Don't get ass raped

2. Don't forget rule #1

3. Always remember rule #1

4. Get a tattoo of rule #1 so you don't forget it

5. On the first night make someone your bitch, then make sure they know rule #1 so that they can remind you if need be

6. Be sure to stock up on cigarettes so you can buy your way out if you forget rule #1

7. Prison can be very boring, entertain yourself by repeating rule #1 to yourself

8. To keep track of time passed, make a mark on the wall for every day that you have remembered rule #1

9. If ever in a knife fight, have the other person stab rule #1 into your flesh

10. When offered a homemade alcoholic beverage, do not accept unless you are sure you can remember rule #1 while drunk

My time was stolen last night by a time bandit, that's why I couldn't update, if you see this man please call the police and help us bring him to justice.

"I've never really understood the term 'Spooning'"
"Well duh Kelly, you know how spoons lay in the drawer?"
"On top of each other not sideways, and besides, why spoons? Why not call it forking..."

Cell phones are the greatest invention of the 20th century, not because of their ability to directly communicate with anyone at almost anytime, but because they make it way easy to avoid Jehovah's Witness' at the bus stop.

I kind of overdid it on my birthday, so I've decided that for at least 30 days I'm not going to drink or smoke or put anything in my body that affects my mental state. So what have I been doing you ask? Mostly playing guitar hero, I think I have too many addictions.

Why is it that spiders can crawl up to the top of my celling, or the roof of my car and lay a web from one wall to another? Yet they can't seem to handle the simple task of getting themselves out of a bathtub?

I've finally figured out how Bill Keane has been making millions, he gets really high, says a random word from the dictionary over and over until it becomes another word, and then he draws a little kid saying it so that it's cute. Try it, you'll see.

I just deleted a bunch of phone numbers from my phone of people who I'm never going to talk to again, it was very therapeutic, then I deleted them from my facebook friends, now I'm trying to delete them from the internet all together, any tips?

I really want to go into a construction zone with an orange jacket and a can of spray paint and paint arrows and random internet acronyms together.
Just to see what happens.
"Well this LOL points to a support beam and this ZOMG is pointing to the gas line, I guess we'll have to blow it up and start all over."

Wow, May was a short month, does anybody else feel like that? Because to me it feels short, as if there were only nine days in it.

Today I saw this gorgeous woman: long brown hair, flowing white dress, she even had these little sexy sandals on and she had a big beautiful smile. As I was checking her out I couldn't help but notice she looked kind of familiar, and then it hit me.

"Oh my God! I want to fuck Jesus."

So being a driver I finally realized today that I'm starting to enjoy traffic, because now for me traffic=overtime, it's a good thing I live in LA where I have plenty of chances to enjoy it.

Now it's time for Question and Answer with Kelly!

Q: Why haven't you updated in so long?

A: I was sick last week, and I've been playing a lot of Mario Kart.

Q: Does being sick prevent you from using the computer for like 5 minutes a day?

A: Well, no...but it does prevent me from being creative or motivated.

Q: That sounds like a cop-out.

A: That wasn't a question.

Q: Touche.

Letter continues:
Furthermore, there is an area surrounding your car known as a "Blind Spot" so named because if there is a car in this area, you will not be able to see it without turning your head and looking directly at it. It's where the term, "check your blind spot" comes from. So please, check your blind spot when changing lanes, and use your turn signal, you will find that with the use of both of these tools there will be sufficiently less near misses and accidents that are your fault.

Thank you!
Kelly.

An open letter to the constituents of Los Angeles and surrounding areas:
Dear vehicle owners,
While driving your car, truck, or SUV from point a to point b you may have noticed a little lever on the left side of your steering column between the wheel and dashboard. This lever operates the turn signal, aptly named because it signals where and when you are going to turn, it is also known as a "Blinker" as in "Use your fucking blinker you moron!" It is very simple to use, push it up or clockwise to signal right, and push it down or counter-clockwise to signal left, just like the steering wheel!

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "Stop Senior Abuse." But I really don't think it's that much of a problem, I've never seen a senior get abused, they're always the ones abusing the freshmen.

Brilliant idea number 23:
Nilla wafers and Nutella!

After a long day of exhausting driving all over Hollywood I get home and immediately turn on Mario Kart to unwind by...pretending to drive.

I just found out In-n-out has portable trailers that serve food for like, picnics and stuff. Which means I just found out who I'm getting to cater my wedding!

As I was driving today I went over a bump, and tried to shake the steering wheel. I think it's time to cut down on Mario Kart.

I went to a porn convention this weekend,and while it was fun to watch all the half naked starlets, the most exciting part was meeting Evan Stone and having him sign my shirt. This either means I've been desensitized to porn through the internet, or that I'm gay.

Every time I've been on the internet lately I get Rick Astley stuck in my head, I'm worried for my sanity.

I've been working overtime every day this week at my new job, and yet it still seems shorter than the 8 hours a day I worked for the Scientologists.

I've rented No More Heros the other day, in it you have to save up enough money to go onto the next level but I have a hard time saving up because I keep buying stuff, just like life.

I started my new job today after a week of "vacation" in between jobs. I am now officially a driver, yet I don't own a working car, how does that work you may ask? I often wonder myself.

This morning I gold starred "When You Were Young" on Guitar Hero on hard, and I filed my taxes, this is officially the most productive hangover I've ever had.

I tried to give notice at my job today, but then they told me I could just leave, I didn't even have to finish out the rest of the day, it was pretty cool.

While I'm on my break at work all I do is stare at the clock, sure it's boring but it makes my breaks feel like they last forever.

And there you have it, six posts for the price of, well six since you had to wait six days for them, but I had to come up with them and write them all on the same day so to me it's like one post for the price of six, which is even worse, damn.

So I could write something witty and poignant here, or I could just wuss out and write something self referential, hmmm... Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I wonder if facebook is creating a new generation of people who are going to think "Too close for missiles I'm switching to guns" is a quote by Marc Zuckerberg

I'm convinced that the internet could not have existed as it does today without funny pictures of cats.

I was a victim of racial stereotyping today, or as I like to call it, I was racisized. I have rice vinegar in my cupboard and my neighbor asked, "Why do YOU have that?" it took me a while to realize what had happened, but it feels good to be a part of something.

I went to tie my shoe on the fire hydrant, and I came up with a nifty shoe-tying song, it went: "I'm tying my shoe, I'm tying my shoe, I'm tying my shoe on the fire hydrant." Then someone honked, I think they were honking at my butt.

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows?"
The thing about this line is that aside from Somewhere Over the Rainbow, it's pretty much the only really popular song about rainbows. It's still a good song of course, A for effort.

My roommate and I moved our desks to face eachother like cubicles, it's pretty fun but it makes masturbating a little awkward.

April Fools!
Ha you totally thought I was dead but I'm not, OH! I got you so good.

This morning I got up, pooped, ate breakfast, showered and got dressed, and then I had to poop again. Is that weird? That's weird right?

Happy Easter, watch out for the Easter Bunny, I heard he attacked some guy at the mall.

Tonight is a dangerous night, you have go be really careful, not because of zombie jesus, he doesn't come out till tomorrow. It's because at around 9:00 pm the drain pipes are filled with more vinegar and dye than they can possibly hold, and some of them break, and when they break they release all of the giant fish and alligators in the sewer only now they're tye-dyed and drunk.

Just be careful is all I'm saying.

Remind me to put something here later.

The feeling of helplessness comes from the illusion that you ever had any control of your life in the first place.

Happy Hump Day! That's all I got, now go to bed!

I was doing dishes for about 5 minutes today before my back started hurting because our sinks are too low for me. This means I now have a legitimate medical excuse for not doing work, now if only I could find reasons to not go to my job I'd be set...maybe if I was blind?

Happy St Patrick's Day, apparently the Catholic church tried to change St. Paddy's day to Friday instead of Monday so people wouldn't drink in the middle of holy week. Did it work?

When I first moved in we kept the trash bags under the stove, this always confused me as I thought they should be under the sink and always checked there first so I moved them under the sink. Now I always check under the stove first.

My car broke down in the middle of the highway last weekend, it's been having a lot of problems lately. Part of me thinks that when you're over 25 you should no longer be driving a car that is more than 10 years older than you. Advice for life.

We had a party the other weekend and invited our neighbors. They said: "You guys are lucky you have such awesome neighbors that don't care about noise at night, our neighbors suck." I had to think about that one for a second.

My roommate is gone this weekend, I have the whole room to myself. I could do anything I wanted, I could walk around naked, but instead I'm going to bed at 10 because I have to get up tomorrow for work.

God I'm old. :(

EDIT: So I'm a dummy and totally forgot that you could embed videos instead of just pasting the link. This job is sucking out all of my creativity, my common sense, and my life.

It occurred to me today that the only reason I know how to spell Lincoln is because of "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"

Everyone gets upset when they loose an hour, but then it's a good thing when you get it back, but why is it that the government is the only ones who can take something away without our permission and then give it back without interest? I think that if I give my hour a day away in the spring, then 6 months later I want an hour and 15 minutes back, that sounds fair right?

I found out this morning that drinking to forget your problems is a horrible idea, because then in the morning you have a hangover, AND problems.

I get paid every Friday, which is totally unfair, because now Friday gets to be the end of the week AND payday, nobody stopped to ask Monday about it. Monday is at the complete opposite end of the spectrum, why can't Friday share the awesomeness? Greedy bastard.

I thought of a really awesome post today but I didn't write it down so I forgot it. It was hilarious and it would have made you laugh so hard milk would have come out your nose, not the milk you're drinking now, the milk you had yesterday would have wanted to be in on the joke. It would have brought in all kinds of traffic to my blog and I would have been famous within days, but I didn't write it DOWN!

H2O is a normal by-product of cellular respiration, and a human body is over 50 percent water, now I'm not saying that the wicked witch of the west was human, but she would have to have a really crazy genetic makeup for a single bucket of water to melt her completely, I don't even think she could have DNA. In "Wicked" Elphaba instinctively knows to avoid water from birth, OK I can buy that, I'll even give in to the whole "water will kill her" for the sake of this argument, but to think that a person could avoid water their entire life is ridiculous, as is the idea that an infant could squirm out of an adults arms to avoid a bath, and what did they wash her with in the book? MILK? Which is has all the same molecular attributes as water, and what about the amniotic fluid? And if she ever got thirsty what could she drink? Orange juice? no. "Mineral tea" What the hell even is that? Tea made from oil or something? that sounds disgusting. She couldn't ever eat any fruits or vegetables, or meat come to think of it, I guess she ate rocks. And what about sex, one would assume that the other person would be enjoying themselves enough to sweat, so one sexy romp in the hay and she can fit in a matchbox. All these things would have done her in long ago, and yet she continued her tyrannical reign over OZ all those years without anyone storming the castle with a super soaker, until some out of town farm girl "accidentally" throws an entire bucket of water right at her face (completely missing the scarecrow mind you) and what was that bucket doing there anyway? If I was her I would have had all the water removed from my castle as soon as I got there.

All I do at work all day is find phone numbers right now, at my current pay rate it's about $0.2285714285714 per phone number. I average about 350 a day, I could probably find more but then I wouldn't have time to do things like find out how much each phone number is worth.

Work sucked today, I ran to my car because I couldn't wait to get home and do nothing. 'Course when you think about it, I probably didn't have to rush.

"If you're us, and we're you, then what number are we thinking of right now?"

My college days are officially behind me, this morning I slept in as much as I possibly could and woke up at 7:30.

R.I.P. Kelly-kazi 2006-2008

Wouldn't it have been cool if I actually had a party nickname in college?

When I was a teenager I swear that the Whopper got smaller, my mom says it was because I was growing, but I don't think so. Now it's happened again except with Chipotle, and this time my mom can't say anything because I've stopped growing, AND because I haven't told her about it. So HA!

The other day I saw a sign that said "Women for Hillary" where are the signs that say "Black dudes for Obama?"

Today while I was hard at work I figured out that if I were to work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, for a whole year in my new job I would make...

Less than 20,000 a year, after taxes. Suddenly acting seems like the better career choice after all, maybe not the better major, but at this point I've already screwed myself so I may as well go the whole nine.

I started actually working today, and I must say there is one good thing about my job, it really makes me want to audition for stuff so I don't have to do it anymore.

So I got a job that I started today, I'm working for non religious pseudo-Scientologists. I'm a little apprehensive but so far it doesn't seem too bad, I haven't noticed any brainwashing so I think I'll be OK.

Although in reality Scientology has just gotten a really bad rap, they're only trying to change our world for the better, and that Tom Cruise is one stand up guy!

Sorry this post is so late today, I spent the entire day learning the words to 'Jessica' by The Allman Brothers Band. Man that song is tough!

My girlfriend went to the doctor complaining that she felt sick all the time, she was diagnosed with 'persistent nausea' to me that sounds like diagnosing the symptom with...the symptom. Hell I could be a doctor, your finger hurts after you slammed it into a door? no it's not broken, you've got 'digit pain.' Your throat closes up after you eat a strawberry? You're...allergic to strawberries, don't eat them.

I'm beginning to think that the gym I attend has a large gay population. Nothing specific just a feeling I get, and the way that everyone crowds around to watch with excited eyes when I wipe off the elliptical handles.

Is the acoustic guitar as sexy after college as it is during? Like, if I learned all of John Mayer's songs and played them badly at parties would I be as popular at 24 as that one guy at my school?

I was going to write something really, really witty here today. But I got hit in the head with an eraser and forgot, I feel like there's something funny about that but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Why is it that on every product I see "If seal is broken, product has been tampered with" it's written on the seal itself?

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! If you have a girlfriend: take her out, go someplace nice, buy her flowers, get her some chocolates, lavish her with praise and love. If you have a boyfriend: give him a BJ.

After about two weeks of living in LA I've noticed how much people like the sound of their own horn. It kind of bothers me, but then again I don't like the sound of Kanye West, so what do I know?

Every teacher and doctor I ever met who taught me about ears told me not to use Q-tips, yet I still clean my ears with the cotton tipped white paper sticks almost every morning, and I'm surely not the only one since they still sell them in repositories across the country. Why is it that doctors and teachers hate Q-tips so much? There must be some rogue Q-tip going around killing the families of doctors and teachers.

The story laid out before you is the closest representation of the truth as is humanly possible with the facts that are given, while you are reading keep in mind that this story is not for the faint of heart, it deals with the harsh reality of certain events that have transpired of which the public has been grossly misinformed, so please proceed with caution:
In early 1944 a German Geneticist named Dr. Abelerd Putzkammer, feeling the war was coming to an end and that he was on the losing side, went into hiding deep underground cutting himself off from all human contact but continuing his work. His first big breakthrough came when some fungus growing in the shelter he was in, fell into the beginning stages of a "Super human" experiment he was working on. The result was a giant brown lump with teeth, eyes, and feet, although not in that order, after some tweaking of the genetic code and trying different types of mushrooms, Dr. Putzkammer was finally able to create a poisonous, walking minion. Although its cranial structure was unstable at best and its intelligence was limited to that of a mushroom, it was still a formidable enemy that could kill a man if handled incorrectly (which was a definite possibility since it appeared completely harmless). The Doctor also began experimenting with the manipulation of fire, first infusing it into plant life and then creating self sustaining fireballs, in his notes the fire could last for hours and be attached together to form spinning chains.
Throughout the years his experiments became more and more sophisticated, and he began working on small animals with increased proficiency. His next big success came with a project titled 'Bowser Koopa' combining the names of his two childhood pets, a dog and a turtle respectively. The Doctor fabricated 8 of these creations, each one more deadly than the last, they were upwards of 6 feet tall, possessed fierce red hair, yellow spikes sticking out from all directions and the ability to spit fire, their greatest, and perhaps most deadly aspect, was an opposable thumb that allowed them to sling all manners of hammers and axes at great distances.
Some say it was the lack of human contact that drove him mad, others think it was an overdeveloped sense of duty hammered in by Nazi Germany, but my own personal opinion, and keep in mind these thoughts are mine and mine alone, is that he was driven by something else, something darker. Something that awoke in him when he stayed beneath the surface for longer than any human being is supposed to, something that can only be accessed by creating life that is not supposed to exist, something no mortal man should ever experience. It was at the height of his madness that he decided to try and contact the outside world to gain human DNA for his experiments, while the war was long over, Dr. Putzkammer went to fellow sympathizers who he had worked with in the past and got a smattering of DNA samples for his next big project, the sunlight and fresh air probably would have done him well if he wasn't already completely insane.
His mixture of different types of human DNA into his reptilian armada worked beautifully, the seven creatures were capable of speaking and understanding basic as well as sophisticated ideas, they even started to develop their own abilities and personalities. His last and arguably greatest feat was carried out in the summer of '88, the Doctor could feel his years getting the better of him and while his lab notes describe his exploration of eternal life, (something written about green spotted mushrooms) there is no evidence to support he ever achieved any success. The Doctor decided to meld his own DNA with his previously positive 'Bowser Koopa' program, but through the process something went wrong, the creature itself was described as a success in the Doctor's notes, but there seemed to be something different in the notes themselves, something missing, it was as if all the hard work and determination the Doctor had been so full of previously had disappeared and all that was left were lab readings and pure numbers. A few months after the notes took a turn, a new journal was being written apparently by the monster itself!
The new set of notes had all the fervor and tenacity of the Doctors previous pen, could it be that in exchanging DNA the Doctor was able to transfer his madness to the beast as well? The second set describes much less experimentation and a much greater thirst for power, it is apparent in the journal that at some point the seven 'children' of the Doctor banded together and tried to overthrow their new leader, an excerpt from 1994:
"June 13th,
The children have grown tireless, they bicker and fight
with me at every turn wanting more power and more
responsibility, do they not understand that I have the
ability to obliterate them at any given moment? Perhaps
that will be a necessity soon, but I fear I will need them
for the next inevitable attack of the plumber."
The plumber is an unspecified entity who, in the journal entries, is responsible for the loss of literally thousands of experiments. My own postulation is that this is a fictional character in the head of both the Doctor and the Monster created as a coping mechanism to displace anger when experiments went awry, since there has clearly been no other person in this dungeon which the beast calls his laboratory. Why the profession of a plumber was chosen is far beyond my comprehension.
The biggest shock of my reading was the entry from 1996 entitled "Finally!"
"January 15th,
At long last I have FINALLY gotten rid of those useless
scoundrels, no longer will they fight for my attention
while I have to plan, no more will I have to bother
making sure they are not meddling in my experiments.
I can now focus on facing the plumber myself as I have
intended."
Quite stirring indeed.
There appears to be another battle with the 'Plumber' before something resembling loneliness seems to kick in. I don't say loneliness as we know it because I do not believe this beast has gentle emotions such as this, it may sound harsh but if you had read the descent into madness and the thoughts of the beast as I have, you would also understand. How could any human destroy a sentient being without so much as a second thought and then celebrate afterwards? Many of the later entries are not fit for eyes such as myself but I have trudged on for the greater good of truth.
In one of the latest books found is a description of a new experiment to create yet another 'child' using the beasts own DNA.
"SUCCESS, I have achieved a form of everlasting life
through fatherhood, although the green mushrooms
continue to elude me I have passed my own genetic
code onto a son, and in that way I shall live forever."
After his success he describes an elaborate plan to test the natural talent of the creation claiming that a princess is his mother and that the 'Plumber' has taken her hostage. The young beast seemed to do quite well at first but eventually the plumber had defeated them again.
After this there seem to be infant plans for the creation of an entire galaxy, but at this point who knows where the two reside. The most relate-able aspect of this entire story is the constant struggle between good and evil. The obvious evil being the Doctor and the Beast (for they have become but one in my mind) and the continuing good of the 'Plumber' who for whatever reason has thwarted the Doctors evil plans over and over again. Perhaps the Plumber is a guardian angel of sorts, an effort made by the greater good disguised as a random chance, in which case I hope there is a plumber somewhere looking after me, God's speed Plumber, God's speed to you.

I had this horrible dream last night that it was raining and I needed my umbrella, thank GOD it was only a dream.

In Super Mario Bros. Bowser appears as the final boss (King Koopa)
In Super Mario Bros. 3 Bowser has 7 children: Larry Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Wendy O. Koopa, Iggy Koopa, Roy Koopa, Lemmy Koopa and Ludwig Von Koopa. Yet there is no sign of a post pubescent female.
In Super Mario World Bowser appears with his 7 kids faced in a different difficulty order (some of them have been practicing and some of them have been lazy, I'm talking to you Iggy).
In Super Mario 64 Bowser has no children, and the Koopa family name seems to have vanished.
In Super Mario Sunshine Bowser Jr. appears for the first time as a small confused child informed that Princess Peach is his mother.
In Super Mario Galaxy Bowser has 1 (one) child, Bowser Jr.

The facts, ladies and gentlemen, are perfectly clear; the theories however, are abundant and foggy. Where exactly did the original seven Koopa children come from? and for that matter, where did they go? Who would be willing to have sex with Bowser no less than 8 times? Why is Wendy the only female bowser? (although I have my suspicions about Roy). Why is Bowser Jr. so goldanged cute if he's supposed to be evil? These questions, and more will be repeated, and possibly answered, the next time my brain shuts down after playing Super Mario Galaxy for 4 hours straight.

I like to know how the world around me works, I know how gravity works, I know (partially) how my computer works, I know how my body works, but I realized today that I have no idea how the internet works. In my mind there must be some giant hard drive that everyone can access deep underground somewhere, because you have to upload the information right? and you can't just upload it to the ether can you? or can you? Perhaps the key part of all of this that I have been missing is that the internet is everywhere, like air, but wait a minute, then why are we paying for internet? Can't we just metaphorically inhale it? THAT'S IT! Starting now I'm calling for a revolution! No longer do you have to throw your hard earned dollars away at some corporate "air machine." Open your nostrils and breathe people! This is the beginning, this is how it will be from now on! Free internet for all!
VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

My slow internet has given me a new lease on life, while I'm waiting for my next page to load, I've been doing other things around the house, such as: light cleaning, calling my mom, and constructing an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower out of toothpicks, I think I need a job.

The internet in my new place is really slow, by the time I get on to load my homepage I will forget what it was I was going to search for, this has happened 5 times today. I fell like I'm losing good ideas, when in reality I'm probably just losing yet another way to be unproductive.

I just moved to LA to become an actor, and today I had my first gig as an audience member to a game show hosted by Patrick Duffy, at least I'm not giving blowjobs right? Although I hear the money's good.

I always try to eat my Chinese food with chopsticks to get a more "authentic eating experience" but about halfway through I get hungry and use the little plastic fork provided, I guess if I really wanted an authentic experience I wouldn't eat at Panda Express.

I went to Hooters for the first time the other day and I saw people leaving with "Hooters to go" bags. Bad food without large breasted hot girls waiting on you? Whats the point?

In an apartment without cable we spent about a half hour watching the path of a tiny soap bubble that escaped from the sink while doing dishes. I feel that was more productive than watching another episode of "Friends" that I had seen at least twice before.

I fell sick, not sick enough to warrant staying in bed all day, but sick enough to not want to do anything, so I've just been staying in bed all day.

While I'm packing and unpacking all of my stuff I've noticed what a pack-rat I really am. Thoughts have entered my head like, "Why do I still keep my watch that stopped working years ago? and why do I have the instructions to this watch?" But then I think, "What if I buy the same watch and then that one breaks and I need spare parts to fix it?" but I don't think they make Darkwing Duck watches anymore.

It's a good thing moving forces me to clean, which I apparently don't do enough, I just found a bag of easter candy behind my bed.
With a "FREE Ninja Turtles Pog inside."

Ways to save money while moving:
Instead of renting a huge trailer to move everything, just sell it on Amazon, then buy it back using the "Super Saver Shipping" option so you don't have to pay for shipping!
OR
Give all your stuff away to all your friends, then when you are in your new place say "Oh sorry, I guess I really DID need that, can you send it to me? Thanks!"

As I was packing today I noticed that I have more books than I do CDs and DVDs combined, I thought this was pretty cool so I counted, turns out books are just bigger, I almost felt proud of myself for a minute there.

I find it slightly disconcerting that the the air vents on a passenger airliner look almost exactly like the back of the engines.

Blank page taunting me,
Cursor blinking on and off,
Creativity gone,

Beer makes counting hard,
Why is creativity
five damn syllables?

When I stay home all day, watch videos and read blogs on the internet and smoke pot it's called being lazy. Yet if I were to stay home all day injecting heroin into my veins people would say I "have a problem" and would love me and try to get me help, where I would be whisked away to a magical white building and wouldn't have to do anything except watch t.v. and people would bring food right to my bed. I should give this heroin stuff a shot.

"...I've always taken my time learning things, when my friends in elementary school picked up certain skills or homework problems quickly I would always take longer than them. My friends have also generally been younger than me, I just seem to get along better with people who are a few years my junior."

Attorney: "That's the feeblest excuse for pedophilia I've ever heard."

Witness: "Would it be a good excuse for murder?"

It's now illegal to talk on the phone while driving in my area, so I've come up with a simple solution, when someone calls me in the car I just text them to let them know I'm driving and can't talk, take that American Government.

Have you ever watched porn so often that the music gets stuck in your head, then before you know it you're walking down the street humming "Bow chicka, bow chicka bow bowwww." What? Oh no, of course not no, yeah me neither. I was just...making conversation.

Who decided to make nuts so hard to get into? They're delicious but why the hard shell? Fruit doesn't have a hard shell, fruit just has a thin skin, and it basically has the same purpose, but there's just something about nuts, they're just so...good. I really love nuts.

That sounded a lot less gay in my head.

Everywhere I go I imagine people are watching me, I'm not paranoid or anything, I'm just really, really self centered.

As I was peeing I suddenly realized that I couldn't remember the last time I pooped, this worried me a little but then I realized it's a good thing that I have better things to do with my life than keep track of my bowel movements.

T: *ruffle*
Me: Did you just mess up my hair? Damn-it you just messed up my hair.
T: I'm sure it's lank enough to fall back into place.
M: I spent a half an hour giving it that perfectly "slept in" look.
T: Dude, ruffling only HELPS the slept in look.
M: I don't know what to write for my thought of the day, I've got writers block.
T: Something about ruffling hair and the slept in look, just log that entire conversation.
M: You just want to be in it twice.

AIM slows the hell out of my computer, literally all the hell that's in my computer gets up, grabs its belongings and heads for greener pastures. But it's also the only way I can keep in touch with some of my friends, so the question becomes: Should I have a faster computer or should I have friends? Computer vs Friends, it's not the first time this ultimatum has come up in my life.

Dogs are amazing, they love unconditionally, they forgive without a second thought, and they have no sense of shame, we could learn a lot from them. They also eat their own poop.

At first I just saw other people doing it at parties, then one time "Smoke on the Water" was playing so I thought I'd give it a shot, it was pretty fun. Then it started happening more and more, I'd show up at a party and before saying hi to anyone I would sit down in the familiar circle on the couch waiting in line for my turn. I couldn't wait for the next time, my next time. Then I started going to parties where that's all anyone was doing, we weren't drinking or talking or anything, everyone just sat around the TV, eyes glazed over with a blank look on their face. When you looked around it appeared as if the world was moving away from you, how metaphorical. This Christmas I finally got my own and started having my own parties, but as the days went by it became harder and harder to convince people to come over, till before I knew it I was spending hours standing alone in the dark, if anyone came up I could barely grunt at them let alone have a conversation. When I'm at work it's all I can think about, when I'm home it's all I do, I think I might have a problem.

My name is Kelly, and I'm addicted to Guitar Hero

What does it mean when something hurts you yet you can't stop doing it? Is that addiction? 'cause my wrist hurts like hell!

Today we committed a random act of kindness by building a sandbag wall to stop the rushing water from flooding my neighbors yard, I think it's catching on, later I saw someone pulling leaves out of a stopped up storm drain, then he ate them, but still it helps.

It's 2008.
We have alternative fuels, communication devices that can fit into a pocket, we can receive vast ammounts of information at the push of a button, we have remote control robots on the battlefield, robots that clean our floors, realistic sex dolls, we can go to any general store and buy a laser, a freaking LASER, yet somehow, someway we have let slip through our fingers the single most important science fiction concept of all time. Vampire Slayers, there is a severe lack of blonde girls in catholic school girl uniforms kicking undead ass in the middle of the night.